Family

People ask me a lot if the closely related dogs enjoy a different type of relationship – in other words, if Halo is more bonded to Asia and Zoey because those are her kids, and Maize/Cadi and Cadi/Syd. It sounds kind of romantic and nice to say yes, but that would not be accurate.

The two most bonded dogs in our little pack are Zoey and Asia, and I think that is really because Asia was the most tolerant of Zoey’s very high cuddle-bug needs; I do not think it has anything at all to do with the fact that they are full sisters.


The stories we tell ourselves about “family” determine how we view family and feel about families. I remember being at a 50th anniversary party where someone was announcing – and celebrating -- the couples’ children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. I overheard one person dismissing one of the great grandchildren as not really a great grandchild because it was a “step” relationship, as if connections between members of a family could only be based on genetic material.

There is something special about being related by blood – a connection that is biological. But maybe even more, being related typically means we share a history and I think it is those intertwined stories that create and sustain strong bonds. There is something very wonderful about being with people who have always known us and who have known the important people in our lives.

However, being related is not the same thing as having a relationship – the existence of shared blood does not ensure or even require relationships. Family members can – and do – elect not to maintain relationships with their relatives, and that can be perfectly appropriate; being related is not a mandate.

So many of us have created a story in our heads that the only real family is a genetic one. I suggest to you that genetic obligation is a really unfortunate way to define a family, and that the best way to create a wonderful family is by choice – not DNA.

I have two amazingly great sisters – and I love that we are related and share a history. I choose to have them in my life – not because we are related – but because they are wonderful people that I love, respect, and enjoy. Our shared past is a bonus, but it is not enough – and indeed I have shared pasts with relatives that I do not have in my life. All good relationships involve choice.

Dear Husband and I made a choice to be together – we are not related but our connection is strong and he is my best friend (most of the time ;). If you think about it, you will probably realize that the most intimate, close relationships in your life are not with people with whom you share genetic material. Indeed, it is the relationships we CHOOSE that are the most meaningful.

When we choose a relationship, we are not relying on familial connections to establish/maintain the relationship. Yes, parents still love their kids when the kids are jerks – but really -- is it a good thing to rely on parental dispensations throughout life? Is that a real relationship – or simply genetic obligation? And is genetic obligation the proper foundation for meaningful relationships? I do not think so…

Dear Husband and I created a family when we brought our lives together – can you tell by how I talk about the various children which are “mine” and which are “his”?

Step-families are a particular challenge. It is normal and expected that while the parents might want everyone to be one big happy family, the children have secret and not so secret plots to get their version of the family back. In other words, it is normal for people in a step-family to have different notions about who exactly is family – and who are the outsiders.

This is perfectly understandable – children do not ask to have more people dumped in the mix. And even in families that are not “step” there are always little groups and collusion and secrets and so on – in a step-family it is just amplified.

And it is normal to question who is loved most and where the loyalties are and/or should be – this happens in all families, but again – in a step-family it is louder and bigger. But here is what I think is the bottom line – a step-family is a family of choice, and it is those choice relationships that can be some of the most meaningful of our lives.

Blood relatives – especially parents – are really sort of compelled to love even the most unlovable people, but if your Evil Stepmother loves you – well, you are golden, aren’t you?

As evidence of the power of connection without genetic obligation, I offer this – a picture of a multi-generational family that includes blood relatives as well as a step-child/brother/uncle/grandchild/great-grandchild: the New Mr. Wonderful. He is not loved less simply because his origins are different – rather, he enjoys “choice” relationships, and those are the best relationships of all!


And thanks to Lisa, who had the new family member sent to Sydney – but modeling the ideal step-family, Sydney’s Mr. Wonderful has been welcomed and embraced by all – with no dismissive comments that he is not a real family member just because he is not related by blood.

We can learn a lot from dogs.

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!

NOT CANCER!!!!!!! Maize has some kind of infection going -- but not cancer!!!!!! :) :)

The Rest of the Story

Friends,

I heard back from Mike M. As you might imagine, I was a little concerned about his reaction but honestly it could not have been nicer :)

I am glad that I wrote the bullying blogs because I got lots of positive emails about them; I am glad they made a difference. And I am happy that I found Mike, and that I wrote to him -- it is really okay to confront your past.

Because I wrote to him, I gave Mike the chance to re-author the storyline that we shared. His input transformed him in my head -- he is no longer that Bully who hurt me but rather a perfectly nice, decent man.

The Mike Story from my childhood got a Happy Ending -- because I told it and invited input. I am reminded that unless we talk to each other and share our stories, they stay in our heads with no opportunity for transformation, growth, or Happy Endings.

The take home messages? Well, I suspect I will be thinking about this for some time and I started to list some -- but then I decided to ask you -- what are the take home messages from all this from YOUR perspective?

What an interesting experience this has been... and rather empowering I must say :)

Maize Update

The first report is back -- and thank goodness we did two samples. It shows -- nothing. Well, it mentions inflammation and etc. but basically it is no news. And so now we wait and see what the lab at the Veterinary Teaching Hospital in Colorado has to say...

Good thing I am such a patient person (NOT)...

Random and Related

1. No results yet on Maize's lump -- hopefully today.

2. Mac enjoyed going to the indoor training center where I am now working as a trainer on a very, very, very part-time basis -- it is great to have a place to train inside and I get my dog food at cost now :)

3. Found Mike M. and sent him an email saying this:

"Hi Mike

That was much easier than I expected -- and now I find myself not sure what I should say...

All the recent attention to bullying struck a chord for me as you were my childhood bully. I am hopeful that you are a wonderful, nice person now -- and I know all of us have done things we wish we could take back. However, the truth is that you did a lot of damage to me and while I am certainly an okay person now, I have never forgotten what you did.

Recently I wrote two Blog entries in which the bullying I experienced was the central topic -- and in doing so I realized that I wanted you to know what you had done. You may not remember or care and that is okay -- you get to decide how you handle your past, just as I do. And I decided that I wanted to tell the story -- and I wanted you to know.

So you can read about yourself -- or not -- up to you. I have accomplished what I wanted and that is what matters to me. Thank you for getting back to me so quickly -- I appreciate it."

I included the links to the two blogs and now I am done with it.

4. Being assertive means you have the right to express your thoughts, feelings, opinions, experiences, whatever in a way that respects another person. The goal is not to get our way -- but rather to express ourselves in hopes that doing so produces a collaborative change or a more open, honest relationship. We are not required to withhold what we want to say because someone else wishes we would -- but we are not allowed to intentionally and maliciously poke bruises.

Sometimes bruises get poked, even with good intentions, and that is just how it is -- but poking bruises cannot be one of our objectives if we are truly trying to be assertive and respect our own rights while also honoring the rights of another. In fact, being assertive means thinking carefully about how we can convey our message in a manner that the other person will receive it most effectively -- and that means choosing our words carefully and picking a time when fire is not coming out of our nose :)

When we are aggressive (as opposed to assertive), we disregard the impact of our words and actions on the relationship -- in other words, we are willing to sacrifice the relationship in order to get our way and/or make a point. This is an appropriate tactic only when the relationship does not matter to us -- it is not appropriate in important relationships.

But do not mistake me -- each of us has the right to say what we want, in a respectful way, even when our words wound another person. But the wounding cannot be our intention when we seek to be assertive -- the intention has to be honesty and authenticity in an atmosphere of respect, knowing that secrets and hidden wounds fester and ruin relationships. It is only through the clearing of the emotional slate that we can have genuine, honest, authentic relationships with another -- and really -- why bother with any other kind?

I hope that your day is filled with good news, cheap essentials, chapter completions, and honest, real relationships -- and the winning lottery ticket!

The Adventures of Mr. Wonderful

Straight from lovely Montana comes the ongoing Saga of Mr. Wonderful


Mr. Wonderful started life in Utah as a lovely little man who said all the perfect things -- for example, "Let's just stop here and ask for directions" and "You take the remote control tonight".

Before Mrs. Maize was a Mrs. and was just a plain Miss, she would have false pregnancies that -- to her -- were quite real, with the delivery of a whole collection of odd looking babies.

One night I was sound asleep when suddenly a male voice said, "let's just cuddle tonight" -- and it was not the sound asleep Dear Husband! As you might imagine, this was a little shocking!!!

Well, it was Mr. Wonderful -- newly delivered next to the bed as Miss Maize's favorite baby. As any good mother would do, she then spent a lot of time poking him with her nose to make sure he was still alive, prompting him to say one of his many little sayings that no real man would ever say. She tenderly cleaned him, slept with him -- and poked him to make him talk.

Since he was the only baby of her odd litters that ever talked, he was clearly the favorite. But he was not the favorite of the other dogs, and one day he was stolen and taken outside and beheaded...


No matter -- he still talked, since his voicebox is strangely in his tummy and so he continued his periodic duties as favorite baby. We worried that Miss Maize would be so disappointed when real puppies did not talk, and worried she would kill them by poking their tummies but she seemed to understand the difference and only poked Mr. Wonderful.

Mrs. Maize still likes Mr. Wonderful and this is what she looked like yesterday after poking his tummy and hearing the voice of her favorite baby...


Well, Sydney (Maize's granddaughter) is now collecting her own pretend babies -- so far she has delivered a phone and a remote control on the bed -- and so we thought she might like to meet her uncle, Mr. Wonderful. Well, it was love at first sight -- and off she went with Mr. Wonderful, her uncle/baby, to their den on the bed...



Unfortunately, Cadi (Maize's non-verbal baby and Sydney's mom) also loves Mr. Wonderful and so she nabbed her brother/baby from right under Sydney's nose and ran off with him, causing great distress and resulting in Mr. Wonderful being put back on the shelf, ending this latest chapter of his adventures.

I hope you have your own Mr/Miss Wonderful but that s/he has a head.

More on Bullying

Well, I started today in tears as I read Nora's note in the Comments of yesterday's Blog -- and I was stunned into insights that I feel compelled to share.

First, it is so powerful to have a witness -- someone who knows your pain, who walked the path with you. Wow -- I do not have words to tell you what it meant to read Nora's note and realize that someone DID understand and DID recognize how awful it was.

This "bearing witness" is what I do in my work with grieving people, but I had never actually felt what it is like in such a powerful way as I did this morning. It means the world to know that someone else was there, was with you, and knows that you walked through your own personal hell. I wanted to get in my van and drive to Kentucky and hug Nora and cry together over the loss of the BFFs we were until I went into exile.

And this is important for every person reading this -- you do not have to solve it or even understand it, you just have to be there with an open heart and sit with the pain and suffering of another. What a powerful gift we give another when we suspend our own discomfort, our own "stuff" and just be present to witness their journey.

Nora and I were in fifth grade when the Terrible Event happened -- neither of us is to blame for the loss of our friendship because we were children doing the things that children do. But how powerful to hear that Nora is also sorry -- not because it is her fault because it wasn't -- but because it is amazingly comforting to know someone else wishes that it had not happened.

"I'm sorry" does not mean one is responsible -- it means one is sad that something happened, and it is the best thing to say in bad situations.

The second powerful thing that I got from Nora's note is additional insight about myself. I did not know that Nora had also been teased, and seriously when I read that my eyes probably narrowed and I decided to hunt down Mike M. It is one thing to mess with me -- but quite another to go after someone I care about -- Mike M. is going down.

Now before you get all worried that I will do something rash, understand that I am a smart person and well aware that he was a 12 year old boy -- also a child. He is not the same person and none of us deserve to be hated for what we did as kids. Who among us behaved perfectly as a child???? Well, my sister, Christine -- of course -- and I apologize for being mean to her but she was always making me look bad with her cleaning, cuteness, singing of commercials, good grades, being mom's favorite child, and so on -- not that I remember every tiny detail of her perfection or anything ;) Here we are -- ten months and 26 days apart in age -- she would be the petite, cute one... sigh...


But I digress -- I found it interesting that knowing Nora was also teased seriously pushed my button -- but not really surprising. One day I unexpectedly came home to find one of the boys teasing Maize with the vacuum cleaner and a couple others boys laughing at the sight -- they are lucky to this day that I do not believe in hitting children. To see Maize being tormented -- and see children intentionally causing that -- well, now the boys know where the big reaction came from...

The third thing I want to say about all this "stuff" is the importance of honoring the impact of bullying on the victim. Nora can attest to the fact that I had the coolest dad and I know he loved me -- but his solution was right for him, not me. I could not ignore the Bully -- that was just not something I could do. The teasing destroyed me -- whether it should or shouldn't -- it did, and that is what should have mattered.

Galen was teased at about the same age -- and you can probably imagine that hell was unleashed over that. No way was I going to allow more asshole bullies to ruin a life. I met with the principal, the teachers, called the police, the parents -- and none of that was effective in getting those boys to stop -- they should have been expelled since I could not personally beat the crap out of them (due to laws and my own belief that one should not hit kids, which could be suspended at any time for future vacuum incidents or bullying).

And so I did what my own parents should have done -- in spite of the fact that he was at a prestigious Choir School and had to audition to even be accepted, and would miss the big European choir trip, and that I loved that he went to school there -- I put him in a public school. He deserved protection that the school and the bullies' parents could not ensure and so as his mom, I did what needed to be done. What mattered was not that I thought he should ignore the little sociopaths, but that he was suffering -- and his suffering required action.

Nora pointed out the recent suicides that have been linked to bullying -- my heart aches for those young people and their families. But as a society, we are also guilty of bullying when we condemn members for who and what they are. It is a difficult thing to honor differences that we do not understand, but it is wrong to be part of a social climate that causes young people to kill themselves or permits others to bully because of differences -- or any other reason.

And here is my summary of today's Blog:

1. Yea Nora -- thanks for reminding us all of the power of a witness.
2. Don't tease my dog, my kid, me, my husband, my friends, gay people, or anyone else.
3. Bullies Suck.
4. Find your inner anti-bully and crush bullying wherever you see it -- even in yourself.
5. You do not have to ignore mean people (sorry dad -- you were wrong on that one) -- deal with them swiftly and decisively, in a nice way, of course...

And now I have to find Mike M., which should not be too hard. We went to Catholic school and every family had 27 kids that were spaced about 12 days apart so families typically had a kid in multiple grades at the same time -- I have already found his brother and sister, and I believe Nora's brother was in Mike M.'s grade -- I knew those excellent research skills I got with the Berkeley Ph.D. would come in handy :) Again - no worries -- I just want to give him the chance to apologize to me and to Nora, and I am sure he has waited all these years to do exactly that!!!

Website

The grief website is basically done and available for sharing -- please consider posting on your Facebook page and/or disseminating in other ways...

www.helpwithgrief.org

Thanks to Galen for doing the site -- if you need a website, he is your guy -- and thanks to daughter-in-law, Cassie, for all the perfect pictures.

Take That

When I was in the fifth grade at St. Joachim's Catholic School, I experienced an event that changed the course of my life and probably helps explain why I am the way that I am. It is all because of a boy named Mike M...

So, here is how it went down -- my mom sent me off with a lunch that included one of the little canned fruit cups and a plastic spoon; she told me to bring home the spoon. I was a Rule Follower and so I saved the spoon in my lunch bag, put it near the pole of the volleyball net, and enjoyed lunch recess. When the bell rang I went to retrieve it and found the aforementioned Mike M. (aka MM) busily crushing my spoon with his foot -- he apparently thought it was someone else's and had dumped the contents of the bag, and crushed my spoon into plastic shards -- clearly not presentable to mom.

I did what any good Catholic school girl would do under the circumstances -- I told my teacher. She went to the sixth grade room and told his teacher, Sister Marie, who marched MM to the fifth grade where he was made to apologize to me in front of the whole class. And so the ruination of my life began...

Understandably, MM was embarrassed and mad, and he did what any bullying asshole sixth grader would do -- he teased me about my spoon. This may surprise you, but I was (and am) VERY VERY sensitive, and so I did what any relatively shy and normal fifth grade girl would do -- I hid out behind the school and did everything possible to avoid him.

My best friend stayed with me for a few days as I camped out behind the school during all recesses but pretty soon she found friends who were not in hiding, and I lost her. I planned all school arrivals and departures around avoiding my Tormenter, and spent all school recesses hiding out.

My dad's helpful advice: ignore him. Well, that wasn't one of the options in my book -- being teased was mortifying to me and really I just wanted my dad to beat that creepy kid up.

I am completely serious when I tell you that for 2.5 years I hid. If I slipped up and that horrid MM saw me, he teased me and that was just the worst thing imaginable and I wanted to disappear. So I managed to be invisible at a small school, befriending the first graders who also stayed in the back of the school, carefully planning arrivals and departures to avoid that bullying jerk, and just lived in shame, fear, and humiliation until that blessed day when Mike M. graduated from 8th grade and left the school -- Oh Happy Day.

I think I was 35 before I could say the word, "spoon" without feeling sick. And finding my best friend on Facebook has been so wonderful -- I missed her after I went into my personal version of the Witness Protection Program. And I have never, ever forgotten what it feels like to be bullied, embarrassed, and tormented -- and what it meant to me that nobody made it stop.

A stupid plastic spoon cost me so much of my childhood -- and my self-esteem -- at a tender and impressionable age. I look back and wonder why I did not just punch that awful kid like I did to poor Kirk Lauren who showed my love note to his friend when we were in the sixth or maybe seventh grade -- yes, I punched Kirk and pushed him in the bushes for that violation so why didn't I do that to my Tormenter??

I think it was because I was embarrassed that I had told on him in the first place -- but in my defense, I was a trained Rule Follower and I had no idea that Sister Marie would humiliate him by forcing a public apology and I just now remembered that he also had to replace my plastic spoon, also in front of the class! Wow -- I had totally forgotten about that part...

No matter -- he should not have teased me, the teachers should have handled it better, my dad should have beat him up, and God should have struck him down with a sizzling lightening bolt. But none of that happened and instead, I became a Master of Avoidance and probably should have used those skills to become a Secret Spy or maybe an Undercover Detective.

But instead I became a social worker, and that actually makes perfect sense -- which is the point of all this (one of them, anyway). If you are an Underdog -- you definitely want me on your side. And if you think for one second that you are going to be mean, gain advantage, cheat, hurt or otherwise be a Not Nice Person -- well, you have another thing coming if I am around.

I suspect it is because of a plastic spoon -- and Mike M. -- that I do not tolerate Mean People very well. And I suppose you have Mike M. to thank if you get leveled and find yourself starring into my furious face because you decided to be mean, not follow rules or in some other way crush someone's plastic spoon -- or their spirit.

Isn't it so interesting how something so ordinary as a plastic spoon can alter the course of a life?

So, here are the take home messages:

1. Don't let your kids -- or yourself -- be bullied.
2. Don't be a bully (or people will Blog about you years later not to mention all the Bad Karma you create for yourself!).
3. You do not get to decide the importance of a plastic spoon -- if it isn't yours, leave it alone.
4. Follow the rules and be nice.
5. Ten dollars to anyone who finds Mike M. ;)

New Canine Good Citizen (CGC)

Congratulations to Glitterati Murphy Sutton on his recent CGC award -- as with all of Cadi's puppies, his big challenge was his friendliness -- sigh... But he did it, and so did his berner sister -- congratulations to both of them and their mom, Gail!

Murphy is the one who obviously inherited his ear pinning picture behavior from his grandma Maize :)



Have a happy weekend!

Update

Mrs. Maize had her procedure today and is fine. The sedative/local anesthesia worked perfectly, and two pieces of her are now on their way to labs in Bozeman and Colorado; results are not expected until next week.

In the meantime, the Mrs. is feeling just fine (on pain meds for 3 - 4 days) and enjoying "helping" Galen cook his dinner just now -- she is the taster :)



This is a discreet picture of the area where the biopsy was done -- she has stitches and it is kind of bloody in the more graphic picture...


Collective good thoughts seem like a good plan -- and of course I wore my Lucky Hanukkah socks today, which are even more lucky than normal because it is, in fact, Hanukkah!!!! So Happy Hanukkah and Happy Thoughts for the Mrs...

The End of Life Sub-Blog 1(2)

We still have no idea what is going on with Mrs. Maize but we have picked a path. I met with the vet and we agreed her lump is not smaller, and that doing blood work would not yield any additional answers. Yes, it could tell us whether she had an infection or not -- but that answer could be unrelated to the lump.

Complicating the picture (and creating context) are these things:

1. Maize keeps having front end limping -- it is mostly just a little hitch but three times in the past week has been significant enough to require an anti-inflammatory. Related to the lump -- or not? An infection -- or not? Age -- or not?

2. If the lump is a symptom of something treatable (based on a benefits/burdens analysis), we will treat -- there is no shame in wanting to extend life.

3. Maize had what seems to have been a seizure three weeks ago; this makes me reluctant to use a general anesthesia with her, which was recommended for the biopsy.

4. Maize seems to be feeling fine and is happy -- in no way is she acting sick or ready to make her earthly exit.

And so I talked to the vet about all this, and we agreed that a reasonable plan was to use a sedative and local anesthesia to do a biopsy of the lump. This eliminates the risks of general anesthesia but will give us knowledge of the composition of her lump, which will suggest a direction (or not). Dear Husband was consulted, and he also agreed with this plan -- so we are set for Thursday.

Two things about the biopsy -- we will send it to two different labs in order to immediately have a second opinion. Also, we will put "breed unknown" on the paperwork in order to increase the odds of an objective opinion. There is concern that when "Bernese Mountain Dog" is attached, there is a leaning towards histio; we want to avoid even the chance of a breed bias.

And so that is the plan -- Thursday at 8:45 we will go to the vet and I will stay there as I will not leave dogs at the vet. They will do the biopsy, Maize will have a few stitches and a sore shoulder, and then we will wait and see what the results suggests for the next step.

I think this is a nice "middle" approach, honoring both the possibility that Maize might need life extending care and that Maize does not deserve to assume unnecessary risk.

That said, given all this -- Maize probably has a benign mass and will live to be 15, dropping dead only after George the deer attacks her for chasing his mom, Heidi Marie.

Galen's Blog Contributions

While I was at work today, Galen took a couple of very nice pictures that are Blog Worthy -- let's start with this one of George...


I explained to Galen how I knew it was George and he said I need to get out more and it was not normal to know so much about the deer -- he probably has a point...

And here we have an unposed three generation picture! Syd is in the middle with her mom on one side and grandma on the other -- how cute is that?!


I hope your week is off to an excellent start!

More Saturday Happenings in Montana

Asia and Mac decided to do some pruning


Zoey practiced looking beautiful (successfully I think :)


Asia and Zoey -- Asia has given up and now loves Zoey almost as much as Zoey loves her...


Maize was on duty -- the Chief of the Fun Police kept things in order...


Maize again -- in a quiet moment


Sydney


Halo, my little calico dog :)


Cadi-Bug

The End of Life Sub-Blog 1(1)

How is that for a title? No worries -- nothing is changed here and all dogs are upright and happy, but if you get the Alpenhorn you will know from the article I wrote for the December edition that I believe in end-of-life planning for dogs.

In the minutes after Abra was euthanized -- with me sobbing over her still and warm body - the vet said, "you made the right decision." I know those were intended to be comforting words from a vet I very much like and respect -- but they weren't.

Euthanizing Abra was NOT the right choice -- it was the ONLY choice -- and that made it the absolutely wrong choice. Further, I said from the time she was diagnosed that I did not want to euthanize her -- I know allowing natural death can be gentle and that symptoms can be managed, and that is what I wanted for Abra and for me. But in veterinary care, end of life care is typically euthanasia and when all you have is a hammer -- well, you know...

The choices at the end of a dog's life should not be uncontrolled suffering/symptoms or euthanasia -- that is wrong, and shame on all vets and owners who think that way. I am not morally opposed to euthanasia -- but I am very opposed to a lack of choice. And guess what?! The end of life is not something that happens to other people's dogs -- it will happen to yours and mine -- and doing it well means thinking about it before we are in the midst of a crisis.

Maize's situation this week has reminded me of this reality, and brought back all those feelings of helplessness that I had when Abra's symptoms were not effectively managed and I made the only humane choice I could during that awful day of crisis. I won't go through that again.

I admire and respect veterinarians -- and I often don't, if I am to be honest, which I try to be. The truth is that they are very important consultants in the lives of our dogs -- but they are not the decision-makers -- WE ARE. No professional of any kind can or should make decisions for us because we are the only experts in what is right for ourselves and our families -- two and four legged members.

My experience as a breeder is that owners too often check their brains at the door when they go to the vet with a dog -- vet says do XYZ to the dog, and owner does it without question, research, discussion, thought, whatever. Critical thinking??!!! Apparently the presence of a veterinarian causes otherwise sensible people to lose this important skill, and the train of medical interventions takes off with someone else as the engineer.

Yes, veterinarians have important -- essential even -- knowledge and skills that we should access and consider as part of our decision-making process, but not as the Word of the Almighty. Consider the recommendation to biopsy Maize's lump -- that came from the pathologist and was relayed to us via our vet.

Okay, that could make perfect sense -- we want to find out what this lump is -- who wouldn't want to know? Well, let's slow this train down and think it through -- because the expert in what is best for Maize and our family is not the pathologist; his or her expertise is important and related to diagnosing, but directing treatment plans? That is not his/her job -- the decision-maker in what is best for Maize is me.

My job as the decision-maker is to consider the input of experts, and to place those recommendations within the context of our situation, our lives, our realities. It is wrong of me to abdicate my responsibility as a decision-maker to anyone else, including a veterinarian.

What do I mean by context? Well, for example, Maize's age (10+ years) and her breed create context. The truth is that she is past the normal life expectancy for a berner, and berners are cancer factories and the cancers usually kill them pretty quickly. We likely would not extend Maize's life through aggressive treatment because at this point, we want her to have quality -- not quantity -- of life, and this reality is part of "context". Her blood work suggests infection -- this is part of "context" and contributes to a decision not to do a more aggressive biopsy. Context consists of all the factors that make a situation unique and individual, and it is what must be considered to design a plan that is also unique and individual.

And so I thought about the recommendation to biopsy -- I considered what benefit would be gained from knowing the exact composition of the lump. We have apparently ruled out Lymphoma -- this is important because Lymphoma is very responsive to chemotherapy so if that, we would want to know in order to make treatment decisions. I am aware that very few other cancers are so treatable, and so a biopsy telling us it is one of the "bad" cancers will give us that knowledge -- but we are unlikely to have any real options in terms of treatment.

I like knowing stuff -- I do. But in this case, my need to know is not worth making Maize go under anesthesia and have a surgery, no matter how minor. I guess what I want to say about that is this: it is not about me. I do not get to make Maize suffer/assume risk just to satisfy my need to know something. If knowing doesn't really change outcome -- and it has risk and/or pain associated with it -- well, we just need to live with a curious mind...

An owner has a responsibility to gain knowledge from a variety of good sources, think carefully and thoughtfully about the options and their burdens/benefits, and then make an informed choice -- that is not the veterinarian's job -- it is ours. We have to live with our choices -- not our veterinarian. And so I called mine and told him/her (there are two -- they are married) MY plan for MY dog -- no biopsy now, follow-up appointment to do a physical exam and discuss options on Tuesday, and give the antibiotics a chance to work on any infection.

I have fired veterinarians who are perfectly good practitioners but who suck at understanding that they are not in charge of my dog's care -- I am. My requirement for my vets is the same as for my own physician -- I want to work respectfully and collaboratively towards common goals with an intelligent, secure professional who has good communication skills and tolerates disagreement. Interestingly, I had a much, much easier time finding a terrific physician for me up here in Montana than I did finding a vet for the dogs -- I wish my own physician was also a vet -- she would be perfect!

But I digress -- the bottom line is this: YOU are in charge of your dog's care -- do not check your brain at the door and become like a five year old following the authority figure's orders. Your dog needs you to think critically, find the best veterinary consultant(s) possible, and stay on as the engineer of that train.

I hope that Maize just has some kind of infection, but it is possible she has something else brewing -- we will know soon enough. And I have already been thinking about potential paths, where I will seek needed information, and so on -- this sub-blog will follow all that with a goal of helping others think through end of life care for their own dogs, even if that care is not needed for many years (fingers and paws crossed that it is MANY years!!!).