Friday, February 26, 2010

Why and Faith

As you probably know, I manage my life with six dogs with the help of a weekly chart. Each Saturday morning I plan the next week, ensuring that all six dogs are scheduled for training and exercise in a manner that is fair and meets our training needs. On Thursday it was Cadi and Asia's day for a walk, but I was feeling kind of lazy and didn't want to deal with crazed Cadi who thinks we should play tug with the flexi for the first part of our walk; some days this is cute and some days it is annoying -- on Thursday it would have been annoying.

And so I decided we would drive the half mile to where the off leash part of the walk starts, but unfortunately everyone else was taking advantage of the lovely afternoon as well. Someone was riding her horse right down the middle of our dog walk road and had a trailing loose dog to boot, and someone else was walking -- I was seriously annoyed at the nerve of these people!! I can usually do this walk without seeing a car or a person, and there was a Montana crowd in my space! Grrrrr.....

Grumbling and annoyed I drove on trying to think about what to do -- Cadi and Asia needed their walk, and I had a little box on the chart that needed checking off. I drove about two miles on the dirt road and remembered that there was a trailhead nearby so I turned up the road to that, parked the car and started walking with the girls.

It was so lovely and peaceful! Trees lined either side of the dirt road and we walked up towards the mountains that were just right there, snow covered and stunning. The dogs romped and ran, getting muddy and wet, and I realized something as I walked that I think is worth sharing.

When we try to force our way, we so often miss out on better ways. When we go forward with faith, trusting in what is unknown but confident that something will work out, there are so often amazing gifts as a result. I have learned this lesson over and over in my life, and that walk on Thursday brought everything in a crystal clear circle for me.

I railed against the unfairness of what happened to me at the University of Utah (long story, details not important); indeed, it broke my heart and my spirit for a long time. But out of that came my work with Joan at the pediatric hospital in Salt Lake City -- I would have never gone there otherwise -- and that experience put the finishing touches on my education, teaching me so many things I needed to know, and putting amazing people and relationships in my path. And if I were still at the University of Utah, I would not have been walking on that quiet, beautiful dirt road in Montana on Thursday afternoon, and living a life here that I could only imagine in my dreams.

I don't know why or how my life goes as it does, but I have learned to trust that it is going as it is supposed to go. I have faith that all will be well, and indeed, that new doors will open to places that are even more wonderful because I have experienced this over and over. When we are in a dark, uncertain place it is hard to believe this but I choose faith -- faith that there is a plan, that it is in my best interest, and that it is okay if I do not understand how all this life stuff works. I just know that it does work, and that is enough for me.

Both of my sisters are facing significant life changes with their careers. Kim is about to end his life in Utah (not literally, of course!!!) and life as a Law Enforcement Professional. All around me are people facing change, and I wish I could adequately convey what I feel -- that when the usual is not an option anymore, have faith that all will be well. It is only with the gift of time that we can look back and see that there was a path, and it went exactly as it was supposed to -- even though we could not see that at the time through our fears and anxiety, and the sorrow and tears.

I think it is sometimes the best thing when life does not go according to our carefully made plans -- as imperfect humans, why would we think that we can always get it so right? I was walking two dogs in a newly discovered treasure of a place not just because other people were using my usual dog walking road, but because several years ago the reins were taken out of my hands and the plan I had for the course of my life was churned up in some cosmic blender, spitting me out on a peaceful, tree lined road in the mountains of Montana. Wow -- it has been a wild ride, but WOW. That is all I can say -- WOW.

Pictures tomorrow. Enjoy your ride -- but its also okay to cover your eyes sometimes.


  1. Thanks, what a timely post. I really struggle with staying positive in the middle of change. :)

  2. As someone who was also churned up in the blender of life and change in Colorado and spat back out in New Jersey, I too am grateful for change. It's a good thing, M-A.

    Bloom where you are planted (or wherever you end up) is my motto.

    I too love where I live now. I know, I know. Who could love New Jersey (of all places) more than Colorado? But it's lovely here, really it is! Come see our new 2 feet of snow for yourself over the next couple of days on my blog!

  3. Looks like lots of people here are dealing with change. I'm about to drive 3,000 miles, go back to living with winter -- which I really haven't had for nearly 20 years -- design and build a new house, get to know a whole new bunch of people, get involved in a new community.... Like most people who are past the mid-point of life, I've done things like this many times, and I know from experience that the niggling elements of change are FAR outwweighed by the benefits to come -- known and unknown.

    On to an unimagined future!